Thursday, December 4, 2014

REDEEMED


redeemed by the grace of God

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." - Ephesians 22-24


As i sit here and reflect on the last 23 years of my life- the way i have lived, the way i am living, and the way i hope to live, i am reminded of my raw history and the immense internal pain it produced outwardly in my life and at the SAME TIME am blessed to have been shown mercy on my soul and given the shot at total redemption in Christ Jesus!

when i was a kid, i remember going to my little church on the southeast side of Indy and learning bible stories like Noah and the Arc, David and Goliath, and Jonah and the whale and singing along to "Jesus Loves Me", "This Little Light of Mine" and "Go Tell It On The Mountain"...but that's about all i remember from my early childhood in the church. As i got older, i started thinking more for myself, i got into my own group of friends (which was liberating at the time because my older sister had practically been my only friend up until this point in my life), i started having desires that i would later come to find out weren't that desirable, and i began understanding what pain and heartache felt like.

i grew up in a household with my dad, who brought home the cash and taught us all we know about athletics, my mom, who was devoted to making the best life for my sister and i even if it meant chasing us around with a wooden spoon, my older sister, who was an all-star, straight A, going-to-go-to-college-on-a-full-ride-scholarship kind of kid, and me, who tried not to get in anyone's way and come out just well enough to NOT be grounded.

being the younger sister has it's perks but they are far and few between: i got to stay up later, i got away with picking fights and egging on arguments, i got by with a few fake tears, i got to fit in with the older kids and i got to annoy the crap out of her while doing it, i got to learn from her mistakes, i got to have all the fun, and basically i got to milk my rights as the baby of the family.

that was really cool then but what does that mean to me now? when i remember some of my experiences as a kid and a teen, i find some of my brokenness in the shadows of being the younger sister. as the younger sister i got picked on and always picked last, i was referred to as "renee's little sister", i got ignored, i got compared, i got let "out of my mothers sight", i got called shy and spoiled, i got the hand-me-downs, i got enslaved to my older sister's demands while our parents were gone, and i got accused of many things.

being called by no names other than "renee's little sister" or "that other masterson kid" caused me to grow into a girl whose identity was misplaced because i [didn't] feel like i knew any better. that's just how it was and i adopted the identity, initially as a joke, and eventually became 'B-'. that told me i wasn't and couldn't ever be good enough so i became submissive to my older sister, following in her footsteps throughout my middle and high school years... that was until i rebelled. in my rebellion, i strayed away from what i knew to be true about the lord, i built relationships with hurtful people and i hurt people, i lied, i cheated, i ran away, i masked myself further by trying to become someone people liked, i manipulated people, i blamed people, i gossiped about people, and i quit things i started when it didn't make sense in my life anymore. i was living life on my own agenda, as if i wasn't hurting anyone or anything.

i was also, in the midst of my rebellion, called shy and quiet most of my life. i allowed myself to identify with who the world was telling me i was though in reality this was just a worn out act of submissiveness to the people around me. i never voiced my opinion, i never asked questions, i never tried to achieve anything above the average... because i felt just that, average and i took this destructive mentality with me to college where i made a lot of poor decisions, got into partying and did many things God despises. i [did] know better, but i played even harder because it seemed easier to ignore. i got into a string of abusive relationships, had insecurities that ran so deep that others got the brunt of it, i struggled with life and my purpose for seeing a new day, i listened to the wrong advice, and i sought after the wrong people. i judged myself harshly and had little self-respect.

...but my point in noting what i have struggled with in my identity and who i had become because of lies i identified with as a younger sister to an older sister who was REALLY watching over me, protecting me from those who shamed me and beat up on me, praying for me constantly, loving on me, calling me out and holding me accountable, and ultimately SAVING MY LIFE.... my point is, i was broken by these ideas but because of prayer, love like Jesus, and God's grace i am now a redeemed child of God.

my life was changed drastically earlier this year. in complete brokenness i finally turned back to Jesus after teeter-tottering with the idea since i had graduated college in 2013.. i started asking God to hear me out, make me new, and complete my life. i went back to church and in time, joined a small group with other women my age, and in even more time, became a high school ministry life group leader at my home church. God is using me in ways i had never heard of before the very moment he put me on set and said, "action". God hears me and i hear God. i have fasted and my prayer life has gone from "hey God help me" to "hey God how can i help your kingdom work today" he guides my actions because they are not my own, they are only mine to manage. God has taken my friendships, hobbies, hangout spots, and cut some of them right out of my life. it hasn't' been easy, but God has given me new friendships to help me grow into a person who is eager to know The Lord, and to be the kind of person that cheerfully gives, and sees life as an opportunity to serve, not an entitlement to be served. God is moving my life: in my relationships, my attitude, my desires, my thoughts, my career, my ambitions, and my characteristics.

i know i am going to continue to struggle, but with the helping hand of God, i also know i can overcome the obstacles on my path. i know God loves me completely and i know i can find my TRUE IDENTITY IN THE KING OF ALL KINGS. i believe that Jesus, the Son of God was both fully human and fully God. i believe that Jesus died on a cross so that i may live and be forgiven of my past and future sins. because i have been made new, i can confess openly my past mistakes and live without remorse, i can hear the voice of God, i can see God in my daily walk, i can feel his love and comfort around me, i can respond to convictions, i can follow His will for my life, i can witness to others, i can grow in my faith, i can repent when i fall short of His glory continually, and i can put on the full armor of God.

in the past 23 years of my life, i have never felt more alive than i do today as i write this out. i am glad i was given a second chance to live my life, to be removed from hostile situations and placed in a room so alone i had to come face to face with my reality. now... God is my reality and my faith walk is just beginning.
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2 comments:

  1. so...i'm a full-ride-scholarship kind of nerd....hahahaha, i love you.

    sissy bear, sizzler buns, budsey, nutt head: where i would be without i have not one idea. i admire you and your courage. i am so proud of you for your willingness to surrender you life to christ. i remember talking to you on the phone and i asked you the hard question, "have you ever surrendered your life to christ, like given him full reign of your life?" and you said, "no, but i have been thinking about it." and then to sit with you at the lake house a few weeks after to hear that you were a christ-follower. my heart rejoiced. there was no question in my mind, after talking to you that night...ALL NIGHT....that you were done playing games and your life was christ's.
    you are such an encouragement to me and a living example of what christ's love looks like on a daily basis.
    i grew up with you. i know you. like i really know you, and to see you....like this....is a miracle. chrsit bringing anyone from death to life is a sheer miracle and a revelation of his power and character.
    sissy, thanks for being a light, shining amidst SO much brightness. thanks for challenging me.
    though we live so far away, i feel that we have never been closer sisters. i love you and miss you so much my heart aches. the tears won't stop falling: part because i miss you, but mostly because i am so excited to be in the same heavenly family as you!
    i love you little sis.

    love,
    big sis

    ReplyDelete
  2. You may not know me, but your sister Renee was my teacher at where she works. I just read your blog and I'm so glad you surrender your life to Christ because I know what happens when people don't. My parents are Christians but not all my family are. Most of them are Muslims but I wish they would turn to Christ.

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About Me

About Me
i'm drey. i'm 25. i have two cats; i love to travel, take pictures, walk around antique shops, and eat donuts... and i'm trembling at the feet of my Savior.

Psalm 111:10

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise."

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